 Boomergirl's Lite
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Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty
salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a
new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she
has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed...
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests
the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she
wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Deer Meat Eaters
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't
tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let
them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their
plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'it's
what Mommy calls me sometimes.'
The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.'
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Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to
make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds,
Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid,
Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make
myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving
up?'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
?'Yes,' said the policeman.
'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny
asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
Little
Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad,
why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying
horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape
before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
.'
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
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If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth
and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that
Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where
is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans
did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the
2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights
group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard.
This suit is pending.
Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed
flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a
notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.
And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore
unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."
Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially
the tight pants and big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the
quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooooooo?
It's only 25 cents!
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