Dr Hassan

I have been recently diagnosed with MS. It all started in April when I started to suffer from double vision, it took me 2 weeks until I went to the doctor to have an eye test, the doctor said that I had weakness in the muscles of my eyes. However I did ignore the whole thing and the double vision soon went away. 15^th of April I headed to Essex for the last term to sit for my exams. During the term I spent most of it studying and getting little sleep. I was tired most of the time but blamed it on the lack of sleep. 6^th of June I was back in Amman and everything was pretty normal the first day. The next day I was invited to a party. I did notice that most things were blur when I looked at and some were double, didn’t pay much attention for the whole thing not that I improved but I just thought that all I need is sleep. On the 10^th of June I found it a bit difficult to walk in a straight manner and on this very day my left leg was so weak that I couldn’t move it normally. Things stayed the same and all I heard from my Mom and Dad is you should get more sleep or this is malnutrition and when my father saw me the way I used to walk he used to have a go at me. Maybe because all the symptoms I suffered from were Brain Tumor symptoms and he was scared and indenial. However around the 20^th of June Baba took me for a C-T Scan and thank GOD everything was normal, it wasn’t what my dad and I thought, Brain Tumor. On the day of my birthday I went again to a different doctor to check my eyes and again he said that there was nothing wrong but advised us to go see a neurologist. I did go and he told me that there was definitely something wrong after examining me but couldn’t tell what it was until I went for an M.R.I, we did tell him that the C-T Scan shows no sign of a tumor so its not that and he answered “I hope not”. I think this was the most depressing moment of my life when I didn’t know what to expect the next day, the unknown is always scary. However I did go to hospital and after the M.R.I it was obvious that I was a definite case of MS. I was in a state of shock and still just couldn’t believe that I had a disease that I had to live with for the rest of my life. Things were a bit not understandable for me. I remained silent, hurt from the inside and this is so painful when you cannot cry, you are crying but your tears are inside, you’re bruised but a bruise that no one can see but you. Time passed, I went to Tel-Aviv for a second opinion, and this trip was the longest trip of my life although it took a day. I was living on the hope that when I go there they’ll tell me that what they told me in Amman was bullshit but unfortunately this didn’t happen. Afterwards I started the treatment taking an injection once a week and after a month I started taking a different kind of injection which is three times a week. After this experience which is still not over and it might not be over ever, I did learn so many things. You start appreciating life more and you know who are the people who really do love you. I realized that the people who do love me are so few that I can count them using one hand, some people were so supportive and some said things that did make me feel so much worse, not that I care but sometimes I wander how much I was cheated by thinking that such people were close to me. To sum up everything that happened, I was taught so much from this experience, I know that I do suffer from a disease that had I not found out about it I could’ve been in a wheel chair or disabled in some other way. I do face the fact that there are certain things that I used to do in the past but cannot do now. I did realize that it’s me who has MS and I must live with it, no one knows how much I suffer in all sorts of ways from this disease except myself so I must make myself get used to the different way of life I lead now. In a way I do try to forget everything but it does frequently all come back to me and I feel I just cannot cope with this life long disease. I do have faith in GOD and if GOD wills one day they will find a cure, one-day.

Hassan

That which does not kill you only makes you stronger

Dr Hassan & Dad

Believe, the only thing in life worth Not doing is laying down and letting life get the best out of you, you can do whatever you want and you are where you are because that is what you want to be.”

“I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.”

‘This was written in August 1999’

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A very nice poem:

In this bed,
Thoughts swim around my head,
Lying here I feel so fine,
But when I move it feels so strange,
Like my brain has somehow been rearranged.

Somebody said,
In the darkness you will find your strength,
But the desert land goes on and on,
Embracing the darkness causes tears,
And I feel I cannot win.

In dread,
Because I cannot hear,
And my mouth won't speak the words I want to say,
As one hour drifts into the next ,
And day into day.

In my head,
I know I will recover,
But it seems like forever when you have no strength,
And you cannot piece your life together.

I cannot hide,
The uselessness I feel inside,
Trying to be brave and wear a smile,
So they will not see the tears I cried.

I will not strive,
For today is a new day,
Maybe a glimmer of light shines,
Through those dark clouds overhead,
Maybe things will get better,
Maybe the new day will come my way,