Boomergirl's Lite Side

A CHILD'S PRAYER Dear God,   Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer who don't have any. Amen !!! What if musicians ran the country?  Here's a possible presidential cabinet: Secretary of the Treasury:  Dire Straits Attorney General:  The Righteous Brothers Secretary of Agriculture:  The Black Eyed Peas Food and Drug Administration:  Red Hot Chili Peppers Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:  Crowded House Office of Management and Budget:  Cheap Trick Secretary of Transportation:  Journey Secretary of Energy:  AC/DC Secretary of Education: The Lettermen Secretary of Defense:  Gun N' Roses Secretary of Labor:  Men at Work   Did you ever notice? When you put the two words "THE" and "IRS" together they spell "THEIRS"?

One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students.   For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases,write them down   then give them back to her the next day.     So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase.     "Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom.     Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase.     "Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother.     Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a  phrase.     "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!", complained  the janitor.     Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a  phrase.     "My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker.     The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk     "Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher?     "Shut up!", shouted the student.     The teacher felling very hurt asked,  "Who do you think you are!?"     "Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student.     "What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher.     "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!"     Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE  BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!" Men can play with toys all their life.     Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.     Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.     Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.     Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.     Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.     Chocolate is just another snack.     The whole garage belongs to them.     Weddings take care of themselves.     Men's last name never changes.     Everything on a man's face stays its original color.     Men only have to shave their faces and necks.     Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.     Men can Christmas shop for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.     For men, wrinkles add character.     Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.     Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.     Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.     Men have one mood all the time.     A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks     Men can open all their own jars. An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.     The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I  don't think you understand, I want something very special."     At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."     The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old   man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure  my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.     Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old  man. "There's no money in that account."     "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" So there were three rednecks walking down a country road. They find a dead opossum that was ran over.     The 1st redneck says, "that there looks tasty"!   The 2nd redneck says, "I don't much like opossum."   The 3rd redneck says, "I'm a waitin for something better.     So... the 1st redneck eats the opossum.     Then, down the road they find a dead rabbit.     The 1st redneck says he's full. The 2nd redneck says he likes rabbit and the  3rd redneck says he's still waitin for something better.     So... the 2nd redneck eats the rabbit.     Further down the road the first two rednecks who ate the opossum and the rabbit start barfing like crazy.     The 3rd redneck says, "Finally, a nice warm meal.

Cancel your credit card before you die (hilarious!) This is priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her annual service charges on her credit card for Feb and March, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charges. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now, it's somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is actual conversation that transpired : Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.' Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' Citibank: 'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?' Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a  $0 balance.' Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply..' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given) After they get the fax : Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.' Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?) Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' Citibank : 'That might help...' Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.' Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !' Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet??? There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue. She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. . They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?" The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! IN A BIG RED TRUCK!" Audentes fortuna juvat I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain t here. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?' "Stay Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde, gave me a strange look and said... Why don't you just put it in "PARK" ? ! ! ! ! ! An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded er bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Audentes fortuna juvat Went in for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. 'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!' She put me on Prozac... What a bitch!! EVER WONDER ... Why the sun lightens our hair,  but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? MY MS PERIOD Ms is such a crazy disease That one is never really at ease With symptoms one must navigate Makes daily living so hard to regulate The pain that has been always there And oh a times so hard to bear The symptoms are so intense That it really just makes no sense It's ripping my body in two Doctor, doctor oh what can I do Ah the symptoms that are so hard to forget Are also so hard for one to predict To try and explain them again Just drives one so insane And doctors and everybody knows That MS has such an awful history To be able to find a sure cure is A big mystery And it seems,lol, maybe not alot But I am so happy of what I have got To be able to rein in MS Is far better than nothing I guess For I just keep hoping and praying one day That a cure will make ole MS go away By Boomer Ponderous Truths Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? A new priest at his First mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit , I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get Nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,  Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he Said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say 'Eat me' " 12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's  not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Choosing A Wife   A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.   The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.   The man was impressed.   The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.   Again, the man is impressed...   The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint   account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.   Obviously, the man was impressed.   The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.   Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.   Men are like that, you know.   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.   Deer Meat Eaters    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.      Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'it's what Mommy calls me sometimes.'   The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.'   Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'   Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,'  said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'   The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.   She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'   Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'   Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ?'Yes,' said the policeman.   'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?' Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.  Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'   One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,   'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'   His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.   The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.   'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.   'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my  underwear?'   She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !   If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone  something like this:   And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."   Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"   "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.   First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.   Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.   Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.   Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.   When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.   Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.   Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.   Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.   The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.   And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.   I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."   Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.   Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"   "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football  game.        They had great seats right behind their team's bench.     After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.     'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'          Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'    'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'                                                        I'm like...Helloooooooooo?                         It's only 25 cents!

IDIOT SIGHTINGS: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' We haven't used Sears repair since. My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change...Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'   To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE How ALL phones SHOULD be answered "GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" Press '1' for English. Press '2' to disconnect until you learn to speak English" LITTLE JOHNNY AT IT AGAIN Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and chest and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?'' His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the UPS man wants to buy mom." When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never to go sleep angry." "That's a great pilosophy, I noted. "Yes, And the longest we've been awake so far is five days.

....AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO! I've always wanted a beautiful shawl to wear with my winter dresses. So when I opened the present from my sister Wanda and saw that it was a white-and-silver shawl, I squealed in delight.   "I love it!" I told Wanda that eveningl "I wore it all morning ." "You wore it?" she asked, smiling, "It's a skirt for the Christmas tree ." Kay Przybille For the holidays one year, rather than send gifts, my friend decided to enclose checks in her greeting cards. Inside each card she wrote "Buy your own presents" and then sent them off. A few months later, she discovered the checks she'd "mailed" under a pile of books. Ruth Williams A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!" Q: How do you say "Michael Phelps" in Chinese? A: Ka Ching. Pat Eisemann I intend to live forever. So far so good. Steven Wright Sign outside a very caring British pub:  "Do not drop your cigarette butt on the floor.  It burns the hands and knees of customers when they leave." David Beavis ....AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO! I've always wanted a beautiful shawl to wear with my winter dresses. So when I opened the present from my sister Wanda and saw that it was a white-and-silver shawl, I squealed in delight.   "I love it!" I told Wanda that eveningl "I wore it all morning ." "You wore it?" she asked, smiling, "It's a skirt for the Christmas tree ." Kay Przybille For the holidays one year, rather than send gifts, my friend decided to enclose checks in her greeting cards. Inside each card she wrote "Buy your own presents" and then sent them off. A few months later, she discovered the checks she'd "mailed" under a pile of books. Ruth Williams A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!" Q: How do you say "Michael Phelps" in Chinese? A: Ka Ching. Pat Eisemann I intend to live forever. So far so good. Steven Wright Sign outside a very caring British pub:  "Do not drop your cigarette butt on the floor.  It burns the hands and knees of customers when they leave." David Beavis Country Western songs that never quite made it to the top:  Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a few  If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me  I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'  Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win  I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here  She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger  She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer  It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day. A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.  He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,  'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16.   Do you remember back then? ' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.  'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. "You remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ............ ........ ...... ... 'I would have been released today.' MY MS QUESTIONS Don't you hate it when people say? Oh I hear you're not okay. You have MS I say Yes But isn't that a reality? That that is a disability. You have MS I say Yes What's the matter with your walking? It looks like you are limping. You have MS I say Yes Oh are you very sad? That you're future looks so bad. You have MS I say Yes You know there is no cure? Yes, sigh for me that seems sure. You have MS I say Yes Do you ever feel life gives you a raw deal? Oh sure that seems now for real. You have MS I say yes Now let me give you a question. That's really a good lesson. Yes, yes I have MS. But no, no my life's no mess.

Audentes fortuna juvat It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.' A REDNECK GETS SHOT At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousin shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We weez havin' a good time drinking when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, "Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?" "And then what happened?" the officer interupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, "Sure I'm game." FUNNY TOMBSTONES Sir John Strange; Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange. Tombstone in England I was somebody. Who, is no business of yours, Tombstone in Vermont Here lies Lester Moore: Four slugs from a 44; No Les No More. Tombstone in Arizona John Brown is filling his last cavity.  Dentist's Tombstone I told you that I was sick!   Tombstone in Georgia Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; stepped on the gas instead of the brake.   Tombstone in Pennyslvania The children of Israel wanted bread. And the Lord sent them manna. Old Clerk Wallace wanted a wife. And the Devil sent Anna.   Tombstone in England Gone away. Owen more than he could pay. Tombstone in England  BLONDE JOKE Q.. How does a sterotypical blonde spell FARM? A. E-I-E-I-O

Ill Defined We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry." Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she doubled checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head. "This man," he said, translating for her,"has fallen from a tree." Patricia Longbottom   Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet---who insisted he didn't need help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantaly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."               Patricia R. Dancey   One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup. "I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."  Linda Feikle   I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, "Have you had a hysterectomy before?"   Terry Wisener

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is placed on the top of the women's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.  The woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years the woman tighten the knob, and the affects were wonderful.  The woman remained young looking and vibrant.    After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.  "All these years everything has been working just fine.  I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.  But now I've developed two annoying problems:  First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them".  The doctor looked at her closely and said "Those aren't bags, those are breasts."    She said, "Well, I guess there is not point in asking about the goatee then."   Q. What do you get when you cross Lassie and a Pitbull?   A. A dog that runs for help with your arm in his mouth.  Q.  What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?   A.  A rumor. Q.  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?    A.  You did not hold the pillow down long enough. Q.  How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?   A.  Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual." STIMULUS CHECKS As you may have heard, and probably already received, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy. If we spend the money at Walmart, all the money will go to China. If we purchase it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer, it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honderas, and Guatemala. If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Tawian and none of it will be for the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses is still in the US. I went into the gas station today, and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt. FUNNY LICENSE PLATES Honk If You Blow Keep Your Laws Off My Body I'm Not Fat, I'm An American 1-800-EAT Never Mind The Trees, Hug The Logger Honk If UR Horny

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Shopper's Holiday Special Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. 'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.' The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. 'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.' Again the wolf jumps up & runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. 'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.' With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!'

THE WIDOW AND THE RANCH HAND A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She decided to hire the gay guy. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. So one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.' - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.   The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'   'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.   A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.   The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'   The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'   Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.   'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.   'Same,' says the ostrich.   Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.   The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'   'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'   'That's brilliant' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'   'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.   The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'   The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' A day without sunshine is like......well...... night.   Remember, half the people you know are below average.   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.   The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.   Support bacteria. It's the only culture some people have.   OK, so what's the speed of dark?    Eagles may soar, but rats don't get sucked into jet engines.   What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?   Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'   Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.   Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright til you hear them speak.   Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. Birds of a feather flock together, but then they crap on your car.   When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.   A penny saved is a government oversight.   The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting time.   The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement .   If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.   If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.   The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.   Isn¢t it nice that wrinkles don't hurt? The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.   Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.   First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.   Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN. Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a KENTUCKY GENTLEMAN  are all working together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.  'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',  says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land. ' POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.   The Kentuckian says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Kentuckian sits down on his Harley, pours a burbon, lites a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright One time I was riding an escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Demetri Martin Churches In Vegas This may come to a surprize to those of you not living in Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. But surprizingly, some worshippers at Sunday Services will give casino chips rather than cash when the bucket is passed. Since they get their chips from many different casinos, the church have devised a method to collect their offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Francisan Monastary for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casino or their origin and cashed in. This is done by the "CHIP MONKS." HIPPOCRATIC OAFS Some writers use a nom de plume instead of their real names, I took my younger brother to a dentist who should try a nom de doctor. The nameplate outside his office read "General Dentistry, Dr. Will Hurt."  Miguel Castillo My husband had an eye infection that was diagnosed as ocular herpes. His physician wasn't about to let him live that one down. "So, Fred," he joked, "been looking for love in all the wrong places?"  1) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co- -will merge and become: Hale, Mary Fuller, Grace 2) Poly Gram Records, Warner Brothers and Zest Crackers--join forces and become Poly, Warner, Cracker 3) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMM Good 4) Zipper Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become Zip Audi Do Da 5) FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS and become Fed Up 6) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild 7) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants 8) Knots Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott Now I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. anonymous GASOLINE HUMOR Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump. Comparisons With gasoline.. Think Gasoline is expensive This makes you think and also put things in perspective. Diet Snapple 16oz. $1.29=$10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz. $1.19=$9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz. $1.59=$10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16oz. $1.29= $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12oz. $3.15=33.60 per gallon Vicks Nyquil 6oz. $8.35=$178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4oz. $3.85=$123.20 per gallon White Out 7oz. $1.39=$25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz. $0.99=$84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER!!!!! Evian Water 9oz $1.49=$21.19 per gallon $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source (EVIAN spelled backwards is NAIVE.) So the next time you're at the pump, be glad you're car doesn't run on water or Scope,a White Out, or God forbid, Pepto Bismol or NyQuil. Cats are smarter than dogs, you can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez BREAKING NEWS: CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps, so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.....